Not too long ago, a coworker told me I looked really tired (I was… I was extremely tired) and they questioned if I was getting enough sleep, how things were going at home with the new baby and so on. I politely answered each question, yet inside I’m fast asleep, I wanted to support myself against the door and pinch my eyes together for just two seconds. Within the conversation, I heard the words somewhere being spoken, “Two kids are a game changer” and with that I had to walk away. I was three seconds away resembling my very own little one.
We went from one, independent, school-aged child to two kids this past September. My littles are six years apart so you’d think this wouldn’t be the trickiest thing in the world.. and no, it’s not, but I think for me, at this moment, it just might be my real life game changer.
The difference of going from one to two is nothing I imagined emotionally, mentally and physically. I’d pat myself on the back and say that I am a pretty decent mom, and I think my son, husband, friends and family would agree 100% with this thought. So how and when did I lose myself so hard to motherhood?
It’s hard to say that. It’s hard to admit that. And wow, it could be going from one to three, four, or five.
But for me, this one to two put me in this game-changing place and it’s daunting to have your husband ask you multiple times a week if you’re okay. Do you need to get out? Why are you still upset? What’s wrong? Did you brush your hair today? Are you sure you’re okay?
Every time I would answer, “Yes, I’m fine… I’m fine.”
It wasn’t postpartum depression. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t having hurtful or anxious thoughts towards myself, my baby, my family. I wasn’t any of these things. I felt heart-broken in response to my husband’s persistent questions and my coworker’s sight of my weariness.
I was beginning to focus too much on what needed to be done in order for my family to stay afloat, as if they weren’t going to survive. I was too involved in my surroundings without actually looking at myself and realizing that I was falling behind day by day. I was losing in the game.
There’s a hardness to this game of motherhood, there’s absolutely no quitting, slowing down, cheating or skipping turns. I know this and accept this. When you’re in, you need to be in at all times, but there’s no reason you can’t get ahead once you fall behind for a bit.
If you’re feeling like motherhood is rolling all the high dice, take this chance and separate yourself from the kids, the work, the house and all the constants that you’re tied to at this moment. Drink a little more water, create visual goals, walk Target alone, see your friends, sip hotter coffee and maybe even start running a mile or two.
When all the answers just seem fine, maybe it’s time to focus on you, too.