I am strong, but I am so tired. Maybe you are too. Maybe you’re a mama of lost babies that’s as tired and heavy of heart as I am.
Not even a week ago, we lost our third baby in the second trimester. Before our first loss, I couldn’t even fathom losing a baby in the first trimester, let alone the second. But here we are, grieving for a third time and living the pain so many of you have felt yourself.
I am tired of hurting, of handling big feelings and big loss. Tired of needing my friends so often and so hard and wondering if I’m giving them back a tenth of the support and friendship they so generously offer me. I’m tired of crying over their amazing texts of support, wishing they weren’t grieving with us, but celebrating instead. And I know that I am strong, but I am so, so tired. Deep in my bones tired leaving me to wonder if that’s all that life will offer me.
I am tired of picking myself up over and over again. Tired of needing the comic relief of my sweet, busy toddler son. Of smiling through the tears to wipe the beginning look of fear on my daughters’ faces as they look at me and wonder “Will my mama be okay?”
To my sweet kiddos. Know that I will be okay, some days only for your sake, but there are things in life you think might break you. There will be things in life that you think you can’t make it through. There will be times that you think, “I just can’t handle one more big thing,” and then the next big thing hits you before you can get up from the last. You will be okay, but it might take a while. And even when you don’t think you can’t call for help, call your friends and let yourself lean on them. There is no avoiding the hard things in life, and I only hope I can be an example for you of how to get back up again when those things hit you. I am thankful for you, the three of you. The three of the six babies we get to hold every day. That I don’t have to walk through my days missing six of you, only three.
To the mamas whose babies have made it. My heart soars for you. Even on the day we found out about this last baby of ours, I saw bellies on Facebook, new babies on Instagram and felt huge sighs of relief. They are safe. Your babies are safe in your arms and I couldn’t be happier for you and the joy you will live with them each and every day.
To the mamas who have lost. My heart aches big for you. I know the grief you feel is so big that it consumes you. That crawling out of it is painful and such hard work, but that you will come back. This loss took someone so special and dear to you, but don’t let it take you too. Honor your child by grieving, living through and feeling every bit of the pain, but then honor them again by allowing yourself to come out of it different than you were before, but stronger and better because of having been their mama.
For me, I am done. I am thankful for all six babies I have carried, but my heart is full. Full of them, full of love, but also full of grief. I know this is a grief I will carry all of my days – I’ve discovered that since our first loss three years ago – it changes, but it doesn’t leave and I have no room left for this kind of heartache. We have lost our last baby, but we will never forget the three of them, they are Forever Loved.
It became incredibly important to me that their lives were marked and important to me to find a way for you to mark the lives of the children you have lost. We have a Forever Loved wall where you can do just that. Know that we stand with you in your pain and your loss and in remembering the baby you will never forget. To add your baby to the Forever Loved wall – click the photo below.